"only sixteen"

I really should be going to bed, but I gotta get this down first.

One of my friends came home from college a week or so ago, but I just caught up with her today. Talking with her about how great her first year in college was really made me anxious and excited about when I finally go off to school. And on top of that, I keep dreaming of what it must be like to be a senior in high school, with graduation right around the corner. So I was driving to Jamba Juice today, and I began thinking about what my near future entails. It gets me excited to dream about the future, but I often times find myself dreaming more about the future rather than now. I want to be powerful and courageous, but I have a hard time getting past the fact that many sixteen-year-olds often times aren't seen this way. I find myself wanting to be older, to graduate high school and move onto college so that I can finally make a difference. I'm "only sixteen" and sixteen-year-old girls usually aren't considered powerful, courageous, or even women. It's almost like I'm waiting for a certain age to finally take a stand, to be courageous, and be seen as powerful. On my way to Jamba Juice this morning, I began to realize that maybe God can use me here and now. God even says that he has great things planned for me, and I want to believe that those great things are actually things that I will experience now, regardless if I am "only sixteen". I pray that I would dream big dreams for now and that I would start to become the powerful and courageous woman that I see in the future.

goodnight.

Where do I even begin, and what do I even say? I try to put into words our pain, frustration, sorrow, and disrespect that we feel, but none seem to exactly reach where we are right now. We try endlessly to please and perfect, to serve and to obey, but there is always something wrong. And at what point do we stop serving? Because I know one thing is for sure: We will not tolerate his disrespect. We will not let him walk all over us, telling us what to do and when to do it. We will stand up for ourselves, because we are worth more than he says we are. We do more than he says we do. We are different. Should we obey? Yes. But we need to be bold at the same time. So will we pretend like we didn't see, will we pretend like we didn't hear? Enough with the agreeing with what we know is wrong, enough with being silent. But will we be as bold as we plan to be? Will we be as bold when agreeing is the easy way out, when agreeing will stop the yelling? Because its one thing to say that we will be bold, and another thing to actually be bold.

So all of this anger and frustration is building up inside, and all i want to do is to fix his problems and to try even harder to please and serve, but I know that it will never work. It never has. I was thinking the other day of how Jesus meets us right where we are, however we are. So in the moments where we are sitting and weeping, He is there. He is there when we get hung up on, He is there when we feel disrespected. He is there, He is there, He is there. Oh, how easily we forget that. We so easily forget the love He has for us. We lose sight of His loving arms longing to hold us and tell us that He is there. Father, when will he see you? I mean really see you. I want that so badly right now. I dream of that day and hoping it will come.

So here we are with bruised hearts, watery eyes, and a strong desire to finally be bold. So Jesus meet us here so that we may feel your loving embrace and everlasting grace.